The 'Other' Woman

General Kazini died in the early hours of Tuesday this week. More like, he was killed by a 28-year old woman, purported to be his mistress of 5 years. That has been the hot item in the press most of this week. Lydiah Dralu Atim claimed that she hit him with an iron bar in self defence. I hope that everyone gets justice. M7 attended the mass yesterday and was looking visibly upset on TV, saying that a lot of former soldiers die from 'wreckless living'. I felt rather sad for Phoebe Kazini, the general’s official wife, and their most adorable daughters. I mean, it’s difficult enough to deal with the loss, but the manner in which they lost him doesn’t make things easier.

Incidentally, this week I discovered Esther Passari’s website via someone I stalk on twitter, probably on Tuesday evening. On her relationships page, she talks about dropping the bombshell during the International Women’s Day about having been the hidden wife. She makes reference to living a lie, the fact that there are many 'other woman' out there and we shouldn't ignore that. The fact that kids have to live the consequences of their parents’ lifestyle made me think several times over.

The ‘living a lie’ line and General Kazini’s death got me thinking; maybe it's time to accept that these 'things' are here and will probably take a while to go away completely. For some women,and I think most men, it is a lifestyle of choice. Some women just happen to be the other woman by accident, but IMO, a lot of women actually know that a man has an wife, probably even has a document lying at Switswiller (??thanks again twitter) Amos Wako’s office, meaning that unless he gets the last D in DIVORCED done, if he is planning to, that is, he isn’t likely to marry the other woman. I’ve had men I know to be married hit on me, and once gone on a blind date, only for the guy to show up with a wedding ring on, and pics of his kidos on the phone screen. I am wrong in assuming most women know that some man is married and has no intention of leaving his official wife?


In that light, I'm kinda tired of women acting the victims most of the time. Let’s face it, women. In Kenya and Uganda, there are more heterosexual men and women than gay. Chances are if he is cheating, he is cheating with a woman. And if he is cheating with you, chances are he will cheat on you with some other woman. We can’t really call men dogs without calling a lot of women, urm, female dogs. The only victim I see here is the official wife, and, having never been married, I am not in a position to accuse them or defend them for choosing to stay, sometimes in the full knowledge that the man has a roving eye, and other organ. Thinking about it, I have no idea how I would react. When I was younger....let’s just pray and hope it doesn’t happen if I ever get married!


Aside: I was once watching Oprah and a woman was confessing to having been the 'other' woman for several years. Our culture and theirs are a bit different but it still surprised me that they found where 'she went wrong' when growing up concluding that she didn't always feel loved, and could always settle for second place. I think it's more of a personal choice than a psychological state of mind.


In other matters sexual, it would appear like we have more issues to deal with in the heterosexual community than in the gay community. Uganda may be passing what someone called the Homophobia Bill that will make it legal for someone to be jailed if they are assisting a gay person. Kenya is passing another one that will let a man marry more than 1 wife (outside Muslim and traditional marriages, where they do, currently) legally in a civil marriage on one condition: he tells the first wife before he marries her. IMO, that’s a practical take on the reality of sexuality in Kenya. I hope that they will require some hard evidence like signed documents should the first wife want a divorce citing infidelity. Because if it’s his word against hers, many a man will say they had said so. Currently, if a woman marries a man under the customary law she can’t divorce him on that basis of marital infidelity. And it’s illegal for her to remarry, remember Kamangu and the other man?

Now, let’s go ahead and make it legal to be gay and make marriage inclusive of gay people.

The Wedding Show

No, not the one on TV, but hopefully, a final rant about money. First, a disclaimer: God, please understand that I’m grateful for the opportunities you’ve given me, so please don’t take this as a complaint. I feel like I'm financilly responsible, and this post is about that. OK, I understand I should give more......but IMVHO, not for weddings! This is not out of pride but what I feel to be inconsiderate requests for money. So, shall we?


OD had one up some time ago about weddings and exploitation. I don’t publicly express my opinion about wedding committees and harambees/pre-wedding ‘parties’ for fear of losing friends, but what the heck, I will say it on blogger, I don’t approve! Juzi a colleague brought me an invitation card to be part of her wedding planning meetings that take every Thursday beginning last week till the first week of Dec. With a wedding budget to boot. The budget came to around UGX 12m, ,excluding attire for the bride, groom, page boy, flower girl and rings. I’m told this is on the lower side. I honestly felt that she was a bit inconsiderate, seeing as is it is that we haven’t known each other for six months, and they have been living together for some years. I skipped the first meeting on Thursday last week but told her jana that ‘I can’t come, but will give you what I can afford’. She was very nice and said she’ll appreciate what comes from the heart. I was tempted to say my heart is a blood-pumping organ and not a wallet nor a bank account. But social correctness dictates otherwise. I’m still debating what exact amount to give her, but honestly, it won’t be beyond a certain amount I’m too embarrassed to put on here. Call me tight-fisted. Or whatever. I digress: my place of work is a place to make money not spend it. OK, I won’t complain for when people lose relas, but when people leave, shouldn’t we just go to some place, eat, buy drinks, etc and pay instead of coughing up UGX 20,000K per person every time? I suggested the former but someone said contributing 20,000K each is more of team-work. I think it’s more of communism. Especially because I don’t like the taste of beer and think it’s unfair to order wine when the bill is split equally among all the drinkers.


Back on topic. Flash back to sometime early this year. Buddy from Nbi and I had some plans to do income-generating activities (NGO-speak, go figure) together but none of us really followed up, so I guess that particular idea died. July this year, dude calls me and says long time! Have you seen my email? We need to catch up with the plans! I say, I’m out of reach by email, will get back to you nikishasoma. Buddy calls me later, and I say, no, sijasoma niko mbali bado. And later. And then says, I can as well just tell you the content of the email over the phone. Which was: his small father (paternal uncle younger than his biological father) was admitted in hosi, needed lots of dough, his friends including those abroad and the area MP were meeting some evening etc. I think that’s the right point to ask for financial help. As in to save the victims life, not to bury them. To cut the story short, when sending my mum her monthly allowance (yes, that’s how we roll, not the other way round), I ask her to M-Pesa Buddy some small amount, which she did but he didn’t acknowledge until I called to ask if he got the money? Well, he later acknowledges receipt via an email to say thank you, and there is a harambee to clear the hospital bill.


Week of October 17th. I’m in matatu, just passing through industrial area on my way to work. Buddy calls to say long time and have I read his email? I say, not yet, will read nikifika job and get back. So I come and the email says just that: long time, we need to catch up. Buddy catches up with me via chat and informs me he is going to see his future in-laws on 17th October, and then they will know when the wedding will be. Please pray for me and give me moral support and assist me in any other way that God will help you. So I promise to pray. I actually think it’s not culturally right to ask a mama for money to pay dowry. Well, he didn’t ask for money; I could have interpreted ‘any other way’ the wrong way.

Then jana. I catch up with Buddy on chat and ask how did the the ruracio go? He says, very well, in fact I should send you videos when they are out. After the niceties I ask when’s the wedding? 28th this month, I have asked the secretary to send invitation cards and I understand he hasn’t sent them: you are invited. Why don’t you stand by me at this time of need? Can you be part of my planning committee? I say, well, I’m in UG and wasn’t planning on travelling to +254 before Dec, so, sadly, I may not even make the weddo. Reply: the meetings are virtual, by sms and email only. At this point I want to say, cut the chase and use plain Gikuyu....ureenda mbeca cigana? But you see, I’m getting better by the day at being diplomatic. So eventually, I say, well, that’s a bit of a short notice on my side (he says 3 weeks is sufficient, in fact, that’s the regular time interval to invite people for a wedding. I think he forgets he’s asking me to be part of the committee). I can’t really make it, especially because it comes in with less than a month to the weddo, halafu it’s also within the same month (translation: yenyewe I’ve already spent some of my November money and don’t think this is a reasonable enough request to disrupt my budgetary plans for the rest of November).


Guys, weddings rarely, actually never, come by surprise. I imagine people know they’ll have a wedding at least several months before the date. Let’s stop abusing the harambee spirit. What’s wrong with having as much wedding as you can afford, really? See, I don’t think I’m going to be part of the crowd of friends and family contributing 350K when you have 300K when you could have been married with 13K after ‘buying’ the wife, aka paying dowry. I'd hate to be the one raising the money but not being invited for the wedding. An expensive wedding doesn’t make you any more married than a cheap one, much the same way a cheap funeral makes doesn’t make you any less dead. School fees and medical emergencies I will understand, but a weddo, please! Am seriously probably not going to give anyone else money for a wedding. (Hey you, hope this hasn’t made you change your mind about 20th Dec, si ndiyo?-or is it au sio?)Nitakuja bridal shower,baby shower, etc.

To use OD’s friends words, it’s your responsibility and if you can’t afford a wedding, please consider putting off the marriage coz marriage is more expensive than a wedding.

"Chikuyu or Ruo?"

50th post today-that’s a milestone.

I often get reminded of times when Ethiopians in DC would ask ‘Habesha?’ when I was waiting for the bus or train. Apparently DC has the biggest concentration of Ethiopians outside Addis Ababa. This happened more often when I was spotting some curly black hair extensions. After a while I got to know that meant ‘Ethiopian?’ and would respond ,” No, I’m Kenyan”. I read that Ethiopia used to be called Abyssinia (?) way back, but I think Ethiopians (used to?) call it Habesha.
Interestingly, some Ugandans think I look like a Munyarwanda . I feel kinda flattered :0). Some guy in Nairobi once told me the only reason he’d go work in Addis is because of the beautiful women.

Lakini the one that initially used to surprise me is when I tell someone I’m Kenyan and they go , “Chikuyu or Ruo”. The letter K is often pronounced as ‘Ch’ in Luganda (and the G as ‘J’ hence ‘Mijingo’-but not Ujanda). Like us Agikuyu, many Baganda (and I think Banyankole, too) replace the L with the R in many words. I haven’t come across an R in Luganda, and there is no L in Gikuyu. I guess that’s where it comes from. I feel no offense when people ask me about my tribe, so I will promptly say “Chikuyu”. It’s the “Chikuyu or Ruo?” that gets to me. Because I think many non-Kenyans only knew about Kikuyus and Luos just because of the 2007 elections aftermath. Sasa, I can’t claim to know what tribes are in what countries. I know there are Dinkas, Madis and Nuers in Sudan because I had a Sudanese room-mate, there are Shonas in Zimbabwe because Mugabe and Makoni are Shonas :0), Zulus and Xhosas in SA and Igbos in Nigeria because they are popular, Oromos and Amharas in Ethiopia because I had a Ethiopian school-mate (and read Michela Wrong’s ‘I Didn’t do It for You’) Sukumas and Chaggas in Tanzania because I had a Chagga/Kikuyu friend in college. But I think it’s a shame I forgot or don’t know what tribes my other African friends were from, and haven’t bothered to find out what tribes occupy which countries.

I also thought a colleague was a tad bit more ignorant when she asked me why Kenyans fought when there are only two tribes (Chikuyus and Ruos) whereas they have so many tribes in Uganda yet don’t fight. Well, if you know any history, you know that they have had more and longer fights in Uganda than in Kenya. Only that they were not along tribal lines. In fact, Baganda helped M7 because he recognized their kingdom and those of others, when Obote had abolished all tribal kingdoms in the 60s. He recently officially recognized the Rwenzururu Kingdom. And some guy who was working as a nurse’s aide in the U.S. is the King. Talk of tables turning.

The most interesting but not surprising is that we fight over our identity yet our origins are the same. You can’t convince me that a Mugisu in Uganda is different from a Bukusu in Kenya, or a Japadhola in Uganda and a Luo in Kenya, or a Sebei in Uganda and a Kalenjin in Kenya, or a Maasai in Tanzania and a Maasai in Kenya. So I think tribe is over-rated. Or underated, depending on who you ask.

Here’s some Luganda for you:

Leeta-Bring
Twaala-Take
Olulimi-Tongue
Omutwe-Head
Okugulu-Leg
Mukono-Arm
Liiso/Maaso-Eye(s)
Omugongo-Back
Geenda-go
Okuja-to come
Okugula-to buy
Okulya-to eat
Okunywa-to drink
Amazi-Water
Makala-charcoal
Sente-pesa
Mbwa-dog
Mbuzi-goat
Kapa-cat

Some two words in Kinyarwanda

Menya-know
Hamwe-together
Izina-Name
Orugendo rwiza-safari njema
Ijana-One hundred



Yeah, we are totally different, aren’t we?

ONE YEAR OF UG

On Monday 26th October, it was one year since I finished the Stanchart Nairobi Marathon (actually it was 21km, and I mostly waked, finishing in....sisemi!), got on the 5:45pm Fly540 flight and came to Kampala to start my consultancy, which culminated in an employment offer in February. One year seems to have gone by fast. I seem to have fallen in love with numbering stuff, but here are my impressions, in a nutshell:
1) It’s beautiful, greenly so. Earlier this month when I was coming from Mombasa, you could see the soil in the park from the air. Even the islands on the Kenyan side of L. Victoria were brown. Soon as you’re on the UG side, you go green with envy.
2) Good food. Chips and chicken is not considered to be food: it’s a snack
3) Nice people. I imagine people treat ‘strangers’ than Kenyans would
4) It’s safe, much safer than Nairobi, maybe than my village. I’ve walked at night, never had my pocket picked, never been mugged. I pray it remains this way
5) Kalina potential potential...that’s a line from Moze and Weazle (local musicians/ ‘celebs’). I feel like there are opportunities to make lots of money in this place. Housing...food (the place is productive and the food generally expensive, I think there are lots of inefficiencies one can take advantage of). The farthest West I’ve gone is Hoima (potentially, oil place), been to Katuna (UG-RW border), Malaba and Busia to the East, but never been to the North, though I plan to before going back home. I see a lot of opportunities all over.
6) Party republic: it may just be that I never have been a Nairobist for real. I mean, the longest I’ve been in Nairobi is like two months each time, once while studying for the GMAT. Other times I was chasing my passport or lost ID for a couple weeks, or checking on my HELB loan. Maybe that’s why Kampala looks like City of Fun because I haven’t quite experience the City in the Sun that way. There do seem to be quite a few events going down (in K’la) most of the weekends. Ekijjulo kya Record TV, Ekikompola kya Dembe FM, ekisomething kya someone else etc. Myriad album launches. The Kenyans in here too seem to know how to get down, too. Or, am getting old!
7) It’s expensive. More than Nairobi. I buy (brown) bread for UGX 1600
(~Ksh 64). The Blue Band margarine that goes for Ksh 85 bob in Nai retails for UGX 2500 (~Ksh100) over here. Quite a bit of stuff on supermarket shelves is from Kenya, a lot from further away. Did I say housing is expensive? I am comparing what you’d pay for a certain amount and what you’d get for an equivalent amount in Nairobi. This makes Nairobi attractive. Plus there’s more ‘stuff’ of my kind that goes on over there.

FIVE-YEAR STRATEGIC DREAM

I’m normally wary of calling plans ‘plans’ because I’m afraid of feeling like I failed, or being seen to have failed. So even when I’m very keen on doing something I either won’t tell it to all and sundry or if I do say something to someone, will put it thus: I “may be doing this or that around that time”, “hopefully will do this” etc. I’ve learned that that’s not too uncommon. There is the bit that is beyond my control, hence the ‘mays’ and ‘hopes’. In come hopes and dreams.

Here we go. In the next five years I hope to have (not in any particular order:
1) Two or three kids- there’s quite some brood pressure, especially from my mum. I happen to be the first-born and my younger brother and sister each have a toi. But that’s not the driving force. I heart kids. Tene I used to think that I’d want to have just one. Now, maybe more.
2) A man, hopefully (there we go again) a husband. One devoted man that I’ll be living with, whatever that arrangement will be called.
3) A satisfying spiritual live. Me and my religion have been going through phases.
4) A profitable business
5) My finances in order-the student loans not much of a deal
6) Become a seasoned SE trader, locally and otherwise
7) Become a CFA. I’ve postponed/thought about this long enough. I hate studying (for exams)
8) A body that’s 10 years younger than my age LOL
This is not a pipedream, it’s a plan! There, I’ve said it. So help me God.

PS: some dude who’s close to 4 years my junior once told me to:
A) Not to hope but plan to do something. Hopes get diminished, plans get accomplished
B) Just do it (“you know, like Nike, there’s no trying”)

Another One, This Time Funny-Raymond Chepkwony

Discovered Raymond Chepkwony via a link from @inteligensia on twitter today.

I'm enjoying his sense humour (no, I'm not a pervert, and it's not in that bad taste),though if you dig deep you'll get one post on the meaning of life. I dig the one on the proposed marriage bill he had up today. The money, baby, the money!

Meanwhile, some men over here are hating on the proposed marriage and divorce bill(if that's what it's being called) in UG because it will split stuff 50:50 between the Ssebo and his Nyabo in case of a divorce. Another Ssebo tells me he's waiting for it to pass before he can get married because it will illegalize dowry. That's like 50:50 already if you ask me.

Nice versus Confident

Still seeing what others say on dating and relationships :O) But I don't intend to say much more on my personal stuff, what's happening or not going to happen after today's sneak peek.

Today I found an interesting one on why women don't feel excited by nice guys. I'm not sure I agree with everything, but I'm with the her on confidence.Nice guys don't always look it.

It was a nice day when I realized that I loved jerks. Current guy is nice, but would do with some money. It's a case of new money. Actually more like no money. I'm not lost on potential though. I feel sad that I just wrote that, but I'm gonna keep it because I mean it. I don't think I'm materialistic. Lord knows I'm just being practical.

He could also gain some confidence. Did I mention he's 4 months my junior? Many people think ako na roho safi. I can attest to it. Helps that we were friends for 4+ years bila mambo ya mapenzi. I guess namjua kiasi on a regular day.

One thing I like about dating 'back home' is that 'the rules' are clearer, if there any. Like, you can ask a guy earlier on about kids than you would a guy in the West. In my opinion, the question here is not if he wants to have kids, but what if they don't show up? I already asked! I was thinking of my work buddy 'Kawiira' who told me that she started trying to get pregnant immediately following the Kwanjula (official introduction of The Man to her family, a ruracio of sorts) in September last year . By wedding day in November, The Man was under pressure from his friends; how could he marry a girl who was not pregnant? How did he know she'd him bear kids? She was really stressed. Thankfully, she's due in a month or so.

Also feel like over here, you don't have to play too hard to get if you're interested. I could be wrong on that lakini. Sababu my best jamaa friend was telling me last night that he likes it when women are 'mysterious'.Is why he never saw again a girl who spent the night at his place, did general cleaning the following day and introduced herself to the neighbours as The Girlfriend.

But he also said something weird when I was telling him about nice guys and 'manly men': that all women want to be domineered 'it doesn't matter if she is Angela Merkel!' Hmmm, really?!? All I'm asking for is a nice guy who is confident and can provide direction. I'm with the Bible (and conservative and African 'values') on this one; he should be the head. Many guys here want to be asses; they just want to sit on you.

I asked the Ssebafuruki in a nice voice if he'd help me do the dishes? And could he make the tea while I made the omelette? He obliged. I sure hope that's sustainable if this lasts.

Right now the Money issue is occupying my mind more than it probably should. We'll see.