Wednesday, 15 September 2010

No Wedding, Most Likely

First off, am wondering how much I can keep PKW the Blog alive now that am not anonymous. This has been my space to chronicle stuff as it happens and as I see it, but since coming out, am not sure what direction this blogging thing will take. Like this girl here, I feel like starting over at another discreet space, but my style would remain the same and I guess you'd have me figured not too far into the blogging. I really want to keep blogging stuff as it happens and as I interpret it without the need to make it spicier, juicier, duller or anything faker than I take it. By the way The Man doesn't know about this space either, and I wouldn't want him to find out from someone else, now that I'm meeting other bloggers and tweeps. Seriously, how many of you out there have managed to keep it real after coming out? Assuming that no one knew about your blogging ways, anyway. These days, with technology, you never know! How well are you able to manage the curtain between your virtual life and your real life?

Moving on to the topic at hand. Yeah I know your remember this,eh? And Well, there's been lot's of situations like this one here. Not the riots, but when we just can't be together. Since the end of last year, it's been Kisumu, not Kigali. Same distance nevertheless. We couldn't even be together on Valentine's day, and I at that point called it quits, as you well know. We've worked out a lot of the stuff with me being more understanding when he can't make it, and him planning better. It's been a while since he called me on a Friday night to inform me that he's not coming the following day, but the last time he called on a Wednesday, I was unhappy but didn't throw a tantrum. I also appreciate that he's been understanding when I'm on the wrong, and has forgiven me the times I've wronged him. Which are few and far apart :-) I'm perfect like that!

Fast forward, we are talking meeting the parents in less than a month. We were meant to do it earlier but I wasn't so sure. And then later, logistically, it was not possible. Now in my part of the global village, once you meet the parents, you are past dating and are set to marry, which explains why I was a little hesitant initially. I admit I have met another set of parents for a few days over Christmas, but that was in a different cultural setting, and it doesn't get interpreted the same way it does in my village. So yeah, we are talking marriage,saving and investing together, and babies. I want three, he wants one, a boy. Basically all the things that married people (are supposed to) do together.Including in-laws; I want to live with my mum at some point in the future.

The question here is the wedding. On a regular day, I normally think this wedding thing is an over-rated, foreign concept, and am happy to exchange cows in place of vows. I don't remember having a dream wedding in my mind. Ever. The only thing I remember is injuring my wedding ring finger once while picking tea during holiday from secondary school and being grateful that at least it was on the right hand, just in case the scar remained. I have never really desired to have a wedding.

But now. The more I think about it, the more I want one. I even have a unique, designer wedding gown (si tailors are designers, ala!) in my head. No, really. The grooms men and brides maids are all matching in red, African yet modern outfit. The flowers are red roses. You guessed it, the theme is reddish. And I have a Maasai-beaded tiara.

Here's the downer to this grand dream of mine. The man doesn't want a wedding, or, wants one much later. His sister, who has been married for over 10 years, is having her wedding in November. I think she is his role model. I also know other couples who have done the traditional thing or signed a certificate and had a wedding later (like when the kids are in college, and am not talking about the 25th anniversary here!). Honestly, I don't get the rationale. My other argument is that at the rate I'm 'growing',and possibly after popping out two babies, I will not look as good on a later wedding date in a few years.

The biggest reason I want a wedding is so I can partake in my desire to savor, and celebrate each step and season in this my life. Reason behind that? I have lost a number relatives, G among them, and close to 3 dozen neighbours in the past 2 calendar years, and missed out on an extended family gathering, which happens only once a year, and has been delayed/canceled because of the funerals this year. I feel its about time my family, neighbours and friends met at a happy occasion. I also have these friends who are like family overseas, and it would be super good to be together again. I'm sure the lady friend would shed a tear or two-she's cries at happy occasions.

I have a friend who also tells me that I better have my way now, otherwise nikiolewa, it's submission to no end (haki ya nani, siamini hiyo!)

The thing is this, we don't have the money for the (big) wedding right now. We will have saved some for the same purpose by the time the proposed dates come up, and can have a small one, but the man does not want a small wedding. It's a big wedding or no wedding.He's kinda traditional like that; invite his and my extended families, his two and my two villages, our common (from college) and separate friends, and colleagues. Before I knew it, the list was +300 close family and friends.

You already know that I do not believe -the right phrase here is 'I hate it when...'- it's right to ask people to foot your wedding bill as is so common in our society, and The Man agrees so that's not even an option for either of us to fall back on.

My idea of a small wedding was thus: PKW and The Man dressed up, trip to Church or the registrar of marriages with our immediate family (20 people max!), the people who are 'standing for the wedding' (4) and a small reception thereafter. Could even be on a weekday. But the man? His quiet demeanor aside, I think he must be plotting to be a politician someday. Otherwise, good people tell me, why else would anyone want to please two provinces and the Nairobi Area on a very personal occasion?

Obviously, I alone want so many things right now, car included, and he too wants many things. Most importantly, in many ways, we are just starting to lay a financial foundation for the future, and we are already in our 30s. Even the Ksh 150K we will have saved by early March or late April can be put to different use-I can't bring myself to say 'better use' because a wedding is good use already!

Not really an option on my part, but it seems likely there will be no wedding. Final discussions will be held this coming weekend, insha Allah.


Raymond said...

I can say many things here...lakini wacha I hold back! my wedding invitation betta be there or else,i'll throw a tantrum. ur betta half is one lucky chap!

Proud Kikuyu Woman said...

I know. I was braced for the 'many things'.

The Man (I am not his worse half, neither would I accept a half of a man) can be considered to be either lucky, or one that sticks to his guns.

normzo said...

The way i used to blog changed over time, after meeting other bloggers.. closed one and opened another. But you can't be anonymous for long.

Good luck with those Talks.

tumwijuke said...

Ugh weddings.

I love the idea of marriage, although I will not be a part of it.

I loathe the idea of weddings, although I am constantly part of them.

Good luck with the 'talks'.

mrembo said...

first of all.. Vigelegele! I am smiling like an idiot because I love all things to do with love and weddings.
Congrats to both of you.

Now.. let me lecture kidogo sis.. ati the man does not know of your blog.. tsk tsk... you must tell.. don't start hiding things already.
end of lecture.

As for the wedding or not hmmm.. I feel you on wanting the celebration and dress etc etc..(we never had one..just went to the registrer) and you are so right in that if you do not do it now.. there will always be better use for the money that comes along.

Ebu look at us.. everytime we look at wedding bands the thought of spending "all that money" on them just seems ridiculous when there are so many other things it could go towards. So I feel your dilemma.. really do.

As for the anonymity thing.. like they say on tv "fuck 'em" and blog what you want to, how you want to blog. The only caveat is work. Keep the lid on work issues..otherwise you may end up bila job!

My thing is that I blog about me and me only(hubby and kids) and if I have to blog about family or friends it is with thier permission.. unless I am blogging good stuff about them.. then I can blog away bila consultation.

In ending.. good luck with the talks and so happy for you.

jny23 said...

You can't be anonymous forever. Its always a pleasure to put a face to a blog, so worry not and blog on.

Point of correction, it aint four villages alone. 5 plus the Ugandan villagers who are now like family to u. I dont know about the other vilages where u've lived before.

Otherwise all the best on the atlks and Congs my PKW.

Kellie said...

Can we switch?

My Mr wants 2 kids, I want 1, a boy...sigh. The thought of all that carrying scares the hell out of me.

Oooh! We're talking weddings! Me likes!! As for anonymity...whatever! Just do your thing, we'll live with it

Ssembonge said...

Speaking as someone who is hitched, without regrets, I would say that you should
- not rush into marriage.
- get married for the right reason.

When it comes to the wedding, it should be the least of your problem. Go with what you have at that time.

My only concern is that you are in a long distance relationship which i think is the easiest relationship. Once you get married and start leaving together, you don't want to find out things that you should have found out before.

Just remember, everyone is different and there is no one way of getting married. Do what works for you guys.

Cee said...

COngrats PKW,

hiyo anonymity naona it's bringing bereges, no worries ebu sort that out then we jua if the rest of us will follow your Nyayo.

Wedding mzuri sana, success in the talks.

yellasoul said...

a blog should be urs to do with what u want...your opinions,views,rants vile una-ifeel..if u dress it up,i dont know if you'll get the satisfaction of what/why the blog was (about) in the first place...cos ul start choreographing storos for us..(boring!!)...i say u maintain and keep it real...

on weddings,congratulations!!...if u want one jus put ur mind to it and set a'll work all for the whole fairytale weddin thing :-)...hehe...but small & personal still works,...ur villages will get over it the crowd will vamboose after uv broken the bank..and then,bills galore...

Proud Kikuyu Woman said...

Thanks guys, especially, you Ssembonge. Love how you put it like it is.

KR said...

I missed this.

Ululations galore. Congratulations! and Congratulations again. I feel you on the wedding and footing the entire bill. But again as much as I do not like being asked for wedding contributions, when not asked I willingly contribute for my friends because feeding 300+ people is no joke even if you have been working for 10 years!(and it should not be on you guys alone)

Martha said...

PKW, This might be a little too late but am going to share with you... whether to have a wedding or not at the end of the day boils down to you as the female in the relationship. Mine felt for me when the stress of just deciding on what l wanted looked at me and offered the easy way out, we could have gone to court, or Vegas it was up to me.. at the end of the day the actual wedding day is always about the woman, the man is there to support her. It helps if he is supportive and cool with being there but if you really want one gal have one.
Another thing that l know for a fact now having done one, it is your day and thus you decide what you want and how you want it. If you want to have it in the backyard, and you want a barbecue versus a plated meal it is your day, if you are considering and incorporating anyone else you decide who and where you are going to meet them, halfway or all the way (when it comes to the parents l know from experience if they are involved they will have their own demands) it is all doable. Have your wedding, like you want it, your way and be happy with it.