Sunday, 14 February 2010

It's Not Me, It's You

Today is Valentine’s day, in case you missed it. I’ve read my card, but not yet touched the chocolate or sparkling wine. That’s for later. Yes, no, we couldn’t be together.

The thing is that I’m already thinking of how to end it with the Man, because I don’t see his clan bringing goats and cows (actually these days it’s their equivalent in Kenya Shillings) to mine in exchange of me. We had agreed that the walk down the aisle can be done several years down the line, or even never, as long as the legal thing had been done so he’s not left free to ‘buy’ as many wives as he can afford. We had even set dates for the initial unofficial Meet the Family visits last December, before I suggested that we postpone for a later, unspecified date.

Now, in my gut, I almost know the Man is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve told him as much, got back the few things I had at his place, but he doesn’t seem to get it. I kinda am at peace with my decision. But there is a problem. Maybe up to four problems.

A man features prominently in my 5-year Strategic Dream. Not sure why I place him at number 2, while ideally, he would contribute to number 1. Well, there was no particular order.

Also, there is the fact that I’m 32 this August, and I think, over here at least, there is a fat chance that the probability of meeting the one you want to spend the rest of your life with gets slimmer as the numbers go up.

Now, I’m not sure I want to pray about this Man issue anymore. I feel like God has probably given me many chances already, but I seem to always have a reason why not this one (like passion, even). That is, when I’ve not been the one being given the boot. Which reminds me of my friend in college; B. B once told me and her room-mate at one point to “Shindeni tu hapo mki-date machali. Wakati mtapata malaika, mkuje mniambie ‘B. nimepata malaika, sasa nataka kuolewa!’”. Loosely translated: ”Go on, just date for fun, when you meet angels, come back and tell me ‘B. I have met an angel, now I want to get married!’”. Which would be my mum’s take too, though hers sometimes seems to border on the justcloseyoureyesandgetmarriedifhenotabusiveorjustgetababyalready! school of thought.

So, in the past few days, I’ve been thinking more in the line of how I’d live my life as Single PKW, if it comes to that. Or, by method of elimination (like, ‘he lacks passion’. Really), how to eventually settle for Mr. Good Enough if/when he comes along.


Anonymous said...

Please do me a favor and never SETTLE.. Granted,age is an issue but the day you say "I might as well" is the day you start the path to waking up one day and start to wonder what the sentence for killing your husband is!
Take ur time.. The RIGHT MAN for you is somewhere..just be open!

Ssembonge said...

The only things I can say is that do not rush and also do not expect to find the perfect man because he does not exist.

Regarding the wedding, my wife and I, had a very modest wedding by Kenyan standards (because we footed our own bill). The traditional stuff can always be done long after the ceremony.

Happy Valentines day.

KR said...


I have just read the article you linked to on 'Mr Good Enough' and I think the writer is spot on on how the 30's pan out for single women still looking for 'Mr Right'. Up to 35 are still optimistic and you may even decide and argue against single motherhood. At 38 you will not care, you will settle and/or you will get that baby as a single mother. So the toss is between panic now or panic later. :)

I understand being in a relationship with someone who you are not exactly seeing your future with is unnerving, but try and see the future in bits and pieces and see if you can make fun out of those pieces. (am I making sense? :) )

BUT in the end of your gut feeling is to let the relationship go then go with your instinct and never look back!

I enjoyed your post. Have a great week ahead.

Ssembonge said...

PKW, did your blog swallow my comment? I don't see it.

Mrembo said...

Interesting.. I really don't know what to say, much less have anything to say but I will say something :-) anyway!

Matters of marriage and the heart are complicated enough. I think it is important to be able to live with the person and see a future where you still "like and love" him. Other details can be worked out along the way. Some of it grows with time and one the other hand some of what led one to marry a dude die with time. That is fact people don't tell you about.

But if you like him as a person and can foresee yourself still liking and loving him that's about as good enough reason to marry him. I say this in my humble opinion.

In the end as long as you are happy and at peace, ain't no point marrying a man then spending the rest of you life wondering "how can I get rid of this man and still make it look like it was all his fault"!

Wambui said...

Hi PKW,sounds like quite the are likely not alone in it though.

The following is purely my opinion and not professional advice :):

You said:
"Now, in my gut, I almost know the Man is not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve told him as much...but he doesn’t seem to get it."

Trust your gut.
Maybe he doesn't want to get it ie he wants to get married and at this point, it's not even about the relationship so like you he has the 5 year plan/dream and if someone else was in your place and they said yes, he would go ahead with it (which is a form of settling).
To me, while having a set of life goals/dreams is good, there is a danger that it can lead to a person becoming a 'box checker' i.e. age 30- date more seriously, check. age 32- be married, check. age 35- have 2 children, check. etc until age 80 when we die.
Sometimes, freeing yourself from the 'plan' and going with the flow is what it takes to give you fresh eyes to approach things from a different perspective, which maybe what the 'settling' (don't like that word) idea is about.
Breaking up now could free you for the real deal. Or, maybe you are meant to fall in love at 40 for an intense 40 years of passion- who knows? The beauty/curse of life is that one never knows what's around the corner so sometimes plans just get in the way.

As an aside:
There is a theory that people are single because they don't meet enough to improve the probablitity of meeting suitable guys, this researcher suggested asking your friends to introduce you to their friends etc...widening your circle of friends increases the probability of meeting new people and thus the probability of dating them...

Anonymous said...

I kinda have been expecting this in a way...
But I reali dun think da world is going to end...start a new era maybe but the world is not ending.
That's not gonna happen till a thousand years later! Ok, I'm not sure bout that either but that's not the point! The world's not gonna end! Full stop!
]2012 end of world
[/url] - some truth about 2012

Cee said...

Sema PKW, siku mingi......Now we are on settling. Read the link you sent and I agreed with pretty much what she said until she started on Settling. My personal opinion, if there aint love, I'll stay alone, coz if there aint no love, I'll kill him.....hehehehehe....There are some habits, characters and personalities you can't stand without a certain amount of love (aka madness) in you. I have seen people live with partners we all don't understand why they do, but if you see the couple alone smiling at each other then you know why. Usidanganywe, wazimu is the only thing to keep you with a devil believing he is an angel. We don't walk around looking for angels to marry, we wait for someone to give us

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Sleek said...

Sucky situation...its a month later now, hope things are looking up

Proud Kikuyu Woman said...

Thanks y'all. You know what makes this fair and balanced: the mix of male, female, single and married. jury's still out!

Ssembonge: I regulate the comments now. Too much spamming.

Cee said...

PKW, sometimes I read the comments I post on your page and I'm left wondering who wrote them....ati everything worked out though