Saturday, 26 September 2009

Nice versus Confident

Still seeing what others say on dating and relationships :O) But I don't intend to say much more on my personal stuff, what's happening or not going to happen after today's sneak peek.

Today I found an interesting one on why women don't feel excited by nice guys. I'm not sure I agree with everything, but I'm with the her on confidence.Nice guys don't always look it.

It was a nice day when I realized that I loved jerks. Current guy is nice, but would do with some money. It's a case of new money. Actually more like no money. I'm not lost on potential though. I feel sad that I just wrote that, but I'm gonna keep it because I mean it. I don't think I'm materialistic. Lord knows I'm just being practical.

He could also gain some confidence. Did I mention he's 4 months my junior? Many people think ako na roho safi. I can attest to it. Helps that we were friends for 4+ years bila mambo ya mapenzi. I guess namjua kiasi on a regular day.

One thing I like about dating 'back home' is that 'the rules' are clearer, if there any. Like, you can ask a guy earlier on about kids than you would a guy in the West. In my opinion, the question here is not if he wants to have kids, but what if they don't show up? I already asked! I was thinking of my work buddy 'Kawiira' who told me that she started trying to get pregnant immediately following the Kwanjula (official introduction of The Man to her family, a ruracio of sorts) in September last year . By wedding day in November, The Man was under pressure from his friends; how could he marry a girl who was not pregnant? How did he know she'd him bear kids? She was really stressed. Thankfully, she's due in a month or so.

Also feel like over here, you don't have to play too hard to get if you're interested. I could be wrong on that lakini. Sababu my best jamaa friend was telling me last night that he likes it when women are 'mysterious'.Is why he never saw again a girl who spent the night at his place, did general cleaning the following day and introduced herself to the neighbours as The Girlfriend.

But he also said something weird when I was telling him about nice guys and 'manly men': that all women want to be domineered 'it doesn't matter if she is Angela Merkel!' Hmmm, really?!? All I'm asking for is a nice guy who is confident and can provide direction. I'm with the Bible (and conservative and African 'values') on this one; he should be the head. Many guys here want to be asses; they just want to sit on you.

I asked the Ssebafuruki in a nice voice if he'd help me do the dishes? And could he make the tea while I made the omelette? He obliged. I sure hope that's sustainable if this lasts.

Right now the Money issue is occupying my mind more than it probably should. We'll see.


Ssembonge said...

Talking of marriages, I don't understand how couples start their marriages with a pregnancy. Children add stress to relationships and thus I would recommend enjoying marital bliss for a few years before the baby comes. That way you can have a strong foundation. But again, everyone is different.

PKW said...

Ssem, I'm with you; I'll chill for a year or so.
But here it's different and a lot of people feel and succumb to societal pressure.
And the number 35!

KR said...

Goodluck with the relationship.

'Ssebafuruki' sounds like a great guy. Having a 'roho safi' is important as it determines how one treats you and treats others.

I guess money issues are practical and there is no way to escape it, just like issues on babies or no babies (and gender of babies)etc. Today a good friend asked me if I would date someone who makes less than I do and I replied that if it does not bother them it is fine by me but I won't be apologetic for where I am.:) But I did add that the person's ambition has to be greater than mine for mine to fit into theirs.

PKW said...

KR: hiyo ni kweli. Lakini part of the last sentense?? I quote 'person's ambition has to be greater than mine for mine to fit into theirs'. That bit there sometimes keeps me awake at night. What if it's not. If it were, they'd be far ahead of you money-wise already, no?

And long-distance relationships are haaaaaarrrrrd for me. Because of the distance (and at least one other issue), tonight I'm leaning heavily towards 'let's just be friends and see where things are when we have more defined schedules'.

I know I've never missed reasons not to be with nice guys, and to 'chase' jerks. I'm glad I'm thinking. at least :O)

Andy said...

The piece you linked to is interesting. But I have to say that from my prespective (and I generally consider myself in the nice guy category), that I have no intentions of changing my habits. If a woman isn't interested in me because I am a nice guy than it is their loss.

PKW said...

Andy, indeed; no one is worth being with till death if they can't accept you for who you are. There's a limit to what you can change to fit someone else's ideals. Not to mention how difficult, if possible, change is.

Bomseh said...

Times have changed ever so greatly and finance is a major issue when it comes to relationships and life in general. I wouldn't like to get involved with a woman who would depend on me for everything, she got to work and have some money too. It is sad but it is the situation, fate is cruel.

PKW said...

Bomseh, kweli pia. Times demand that kila mtu alete sente.

Mrembo said...

ati only 4 months your junior. That makes me sugar mummy kabisa. I am 2 years older than Big Al..

Haya juu ya pesa. Mama, mimi nitakuambia ukweli. Money comes money goes, unless you are marrying old money.

Potential, as the word suggest, there is a possiblity of it not blossoming then where is one left.

The money thing for me as a married woman is a grey/gray issue.
I find it difficult to articulate my feelings on the subject because I understand the perspective of wanting a guy who has drive, ambition and money, yet at the same time, I would be very comfortable being with Big Al if I earned significantly more than he did.

I think when we women say we want a guy with money, what we are actually saying is we want a guy we know who can protect us and take care of us and these days, that means a man with the financial means to support a woman.

With more women earning more and more, it means the pool of men, from which women shop becomes smaller. The men also become more picky because no man wants to be wanted just for his money/protective abilities (or so I would imagine).

So that is my two cents on the issue.

I will leave you with a word from my mum. When I decided I was serious about Big Al, I was speaking to my mum and aunt about him and they said to me thus
"is there anything about him now that you cannot live with, because if there is, do not marry him or get serious with him"

The other is from a former friend collegue I worked with in UK. We were both newly married at the time and she was telling me of her girlfriend who had married a guy with "potential".

After about 1 year of marriage, girlfriend wanted out because dude was just not interested in "stepping up" and she could not live with it.

pole for blogging on your comments section

Maua said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maua said...

In the 21st century, the older and exposed we get, the more choosy we become, otherwise how do you explain 'unmarried' at over 40, and still having 'jerks' asking us out.

Age has been expressed as a number, but it means alot to me, not 4 months, but it has to be over 2 yrs my senior.

Money is not an issue coz I argue we can both do something together, although if it's there, it becomes a bonus. I'd not stand being regarded as a gold digger.

Potential, ambition, Mr Nice, definitely a must, but how do you measure these?

PKW said...

Pesa: Mingi thanks for your objective look. Yes, I've recognised the possibility that the potential doesn't blossom.
Age: Actually, I've dated guys who were (gasp!) 6 years younger, so I may be quite the sugar mama.1 dude used to call me coca (as in chocolate) mama,one was toooo immmature. A friend of a friend was married to a guy 10 years her junior. But that was in the States.Not that common over here, though a cousin of a friend did the same thing about 7 years ago.I always worry that a guy will wake up one day go, wow, I married early. All things considered, I think The Ssebafuruki is one guy I'd tell my mum about. Not quite yet, lakini. Last time I told her about a man and showed her a picture, she thought he was a bit older than me. I was 23/24, dude was like 36. Most of my uncles were around his age, and younger. I've dated 43-45 y.o's since then :o)

Maua: Age: to each her own. I think younger is gooder.
I try to not let the 21st-century-woman mentality interfere with my feelings and reasoning; at the end of it, I'm just a woman who needs a man for the most naturally feminine reasons a woman need a man. The 21st century won't give me that. matter of fact, I'm not sure I'm there yet :o)
How do I easure potential? How well he does what he does, is he passionate? Also papers (vain?). But referring to Mrembo, this might not to be realized. As a matter of fact, I've imagined bad case scenarios, and it's not looking bad.
Ambition: How well does he do what he does?
Mr Nice; this is the easiest for me. How does he treat you and other people, e.g. how does he talk about his/your friends?

Cee said...

PKW naona u still on top of'd rather have confident instead of Nice any day. As for age and money, I'm still thinking of their importance in a relationship first before I curve my rules on stone about them